Dropping A Pipe Bomb On Life And It's Struggles

BY: CHRISTIAN HOLMES (@HOLMESYWRITES)

Getting ready to drop a pipe bomb

DISCLAIMER #1: This ‘speech’ against life and its struggles is inspired by CM Punk and his Pipe Bomb promo. The Pipe Bomb is easily one of the best promos in wrestling history. It's right up there with ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin’s Austin 3:16 promo and Dusty Rhodes’ Hard Times rant. I thought I post it on Monday because obviously it's a good pump up for this dreadful day. Also, it's pretty creative, and kind of copycat-ish. So, maybe, my readers won't be too quick to criticism.

DISCLAIMER #2: Yes, I do know wrestling is scripted. And yes, I do know if I enjoy watching wrestling, somehow, I'm automatically a nerd.

Anyways, here is the ‘speech’.

Hey life and all its struggles, while you lay there in utter defeat, hopefully you are deprived of all your pride. Hopefully you lost all your control, and hopefully you have lost all your will to make my life a living hell. I just want to say something. Digest something, if you will, because before I put your problematic bullshit in the past AND continue to make you my bitch, I got a few things I want to get off my chest.

I don't hate you, life and it's struggles. I actually don't even dislike you. I like you a hell of a lot more then most of the people out in this big and vast world do. Your problems make me stronger, and wiser. How could I dislike that? I kind of got to love it.

You see, I hate the idea that “I can't overcome ‘life’s problems’”. Because I CAN, I HAVE, and I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO! That's why I'm the best! That's why I'm going places… while you're um… going nowhere. But, if there's one thing you are better than me at, it's being a narcissistic dick.

You're as good at being a narcissistic dick then Cain was. I don't know if you were as good as Bill Clinton though. He gives you a good run for your money. If only he could show you a good time like he did with Monica. Hell maybe you'd be less of a dick? Who knows. Even if you played for the same team, you still probably couldn't get any.

Oops, dammit, I'm breaking the fourth wall again.  

You see, I'm the best person at overcoming life and it's problems… in this world!

I've been the best since the day I was born! I overcame the massive odds that were put before me. I proved the doubters wrong. I walked the line, and did it in good time. But I've been vilified and hated by you, because for once in your lifetime, you did not win. You did not get the better of me. You did not get the satisfaction of knowing that I had succumbed to you. You never like the fact that I was a free thinker. You never liked the fact that I was “one of those guys”. You want to know who else was “one of those guys”? Albert Einstein! But the biggest difference between him and I is that I am going to leave you and your bullshit behind like no one else ever has! I'm going to run away with everything you ever cherished about making people feel deprived, depressed, and lonely… and I'm going to bury it in a six foot hole!

You have grabbed so many people's imaginary brass rings, that it has dawned upon me that they're just that… they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is you and your problems, can be overcome. Day in and day out, century after century, millennium after millennium, people have managed to overcome your hardships. And I'm no exception. I'm the best in the world at it! I'm the best at dealing with you. I'm the best at beating you. And I'm the best at putting your shit six feet under. And, honestly, I will continue to be!

And yet, no matter how many times I prove it… I'm still not a millionaire. I'm still not on the front page of Vanity Fair. I'm still not a Toronto Maple Leafs season ticket holder. I'm barely promoted. I certainly don't have my own radio show. I'm not on any of Esquire’s top tens lists. I'm not featured in Forbes Magazine. I'm not a trending blogger. But the fact of the matter is, I should be!

This isn't sour grapes. But the fact that people are still believing in your bullshit lies and deceptions that they'll never make it in this world during this lifetime, makes me sick!

Oh hey, let me get something straight. The people that buy into life and it's struggles, you're one of the reasons I keep on going. I see you people buying into everything that life is saying. I see you guys taking in everything from life and embracing that voice that says, “You're nothing more then a number”. And then, at eleven at night, you're complaining on Facebook that you can't do this or that, because you been told so. You want me to come to you and comfort you, because you're too lazy to say, “This is the end for you my friend,” and actually do something with your life!

I'm leaving behind life and its struggles today. And hell, who knows, maybe I may become a hockey analyst? Maybe I may become an mma analyst? Maybe I'll help people find Christ? Or, maybe, just for the hell of it, I might just become a WWE announcer?  

Hey, Phil Brooks, how you doing?

The reason I'm continuing the good fight AND WILL WIN THE FIGHT, the reason I'm leaving behind the bullshit, is because if I don't who will? The wheel is still going to keep turning and I understand that. I'm just a spoke on the wheel and I realize that. People are still going to keep buying into life and its struggles. Life and its struggles is still going to take away the hopes of many to despite itself. Life and its struggles has taken away millions of people's hopes and desires. In actuality, it should've taken away a billion of people's hopes and desires. But do you want to know why, life and its struggles, hasn't taken away a billion of people's hopes and desires? Because people like me are standing up and saying, “Enough with your shit! Enough with all the negative things, it's time to look at the positive things!” And I like to think that there will be more people like me in the future, but the fact is society is being conditioned into boezos that can't think for themselves if their lives depended on it! The world is going to be taken over by a bunch of morons that can't tell the difference between truth and deception.

Let me tell you a personal story about life and its struggles, alright? I come from this ‘do it yourself’ background…